So when you see those pictures and when you listen to those words, what kind of thoughts and emotions do they bring up? What did you feel like? When I saw them for the first time I just thought, wouldn’t the world be a much better place if we could all just get along? And I thought I bet there isn’t one person in this room that doesn’t want to see some of those things change; like racism or political unrest or violence and abuse or broken relationships.
We desperately want to see that stuff disappear in our world, don’t we? The answer is yes, of course we do. Well, last week we talked about the greatest commandment Jesus ever gave us to follow.
He said,
“Love God with all of your heart and all of your mind and all your soul and with all your strength.”
That’s job one; that’s what’s most important. But then He said here’s the second biggest thing: love your neighbor as yourself - love the people around you. Job one - love God. Job two - love people.
And today we want to talk about how loving people on a small scale in our individual lives really can change the whole world. All I really want to do today is to download some of the big thoughts that have been rolling around in my head these last couple years as I’ve been thinking about all this relationship stuff and as I’ve been studying how Jesus walked and lead in his relationships. That’s all I want to do. So, here goes.
These are 5 big thoughts about our relationships and how if we focus on the people God brings near to us, maybe we really can change the world.
5 Big Relationship Thoughts for 2008
Grow confident (I love that word) relationships. Ecclesiastes 4:9a, 10 & 12 (NIV) says:
“Two are better than one. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
A couple years ago I had the incredible opportunity to meet and then sit under the teaching and mentoring of Gordon Macdonald. Gordon Macdonald is just about 70 years old, an incredible leader in the church in North America and a great man of God. I can’t say enough about him. Anyway, part of what he taught us during those days has really stayed with me. He talked about all kinds of things about the church and spiritual life but then he started talking about relationships and friendships and finding people who could give into your life and not just take - reciprocal relationships. He talked about confident relationships; about finding ten friends so close that you’d die with them. That caught me.
Then he said, “Dean can you list the ten - fifteen relationships you have that would be a catastrophe in your life if they died?” Let that sink in. And then he said to the group, if you can’t name them or don’t have time to build those kinda relationships, maybe you’ve reached the bounds of busyness in your life.
“Because relationships matter more than just being busy in life.” Gordon Macdonald.
And folks, we really are busy aren’t we. We’ve got work stuff and school stuff, we’ve got kids stuff and time away and we’ve got volunteer stuff and sports and it just goes on and on and on. Jesus said there are two big things to remember: Love God first and then learn to love people deeply.
So let me ask you the question. Do you personally have that list of ten or twelve or fifteen people in your mind right now; that it would be a catastrophe in your life if they died? And do those people even know that they are on your list? Does your husband know that he’s on your list? Does your teenage son or daughter know? Does that football watching buddy of yours know? Or even your brothers or sisters, do they know they are on your “it would be a catastrophe list?”
Here’s my point. I don’t think you need to go tell them that in the next two minutes but what I’d like to nudge you towards is this question: how deep are those relationships in your life and how much time and energy and effort are you really putting into them; into creating a cord of friendship that will be strong and enduring?
There are young people all the time that come to me just broken because they have never heard the words or seldom have they heard, “I love you” from their parents. But it’s not just the words, it’s time as well.
With Sharaya, every night at bedtime, there is a prayer, blessing and words of love and appreciation. Every night I do that. Why?
Because I never want her to question my love for her and God’s love for her or that I would do anything, give any thing, sacrifice anything to show her that love. She’s on my list.
It always amazes me when we deal with broken relationships in this life, especially broken marriages. A couple will inevitably come in and see me and say, “there’s really no love left. We just drifted apart.” Or “we were more like roommates than we were lovers,” and then they are surprised that they’re getting a divorce ten or twelve years into the marriage when for the last five or six or eight years they have done nothing to actually deepen their relationship. And it’s not hard stuff to do - meaning it’s not rocket science but it will save your marriage. Let me explain.
Pam and I don’t to every thing right in our marriage, but I think we do this part right. She is my best friend and I am hers without a doubt and she knows it and I know it. And mostly that has happened by effort.
We take inordinate amounts of time becoming better friends. We still date super regularly, always have - like every week. We have lots of coffee’s together and we just spend lots of time together driving or eating or just hanging out. See, the key for us is not about what we’re doing it’s that we’re doing it together. And when you are just together, you give life and conversation a chance to blossom and grow. The good thing happens over time: two become one and two actually do become better than one and that cord/band gets strong and isn’t quickly broken.
We work hard at being together and it takes effort. There are lots of days I’m sure where I’m not the one Pam wants to hang out with but it’s a choice we’ve made to become deeper and closer friends for the rest of our lives.
I think you get my point. We need to be engaged with much effort in growing bigger, deeper, greater relationships in our lives. So figure out whose on your list of ten or twelve and then work that list in 2008. Be proactive.
Here are some ideas:
A mentoring couple for your marriage
A men’s small group
Having lunches with the kids
Planning date nights with your spouse
A ski trip with your brothers
Do whatever it takes to identify your ten or twelve or fifteen “catastrophe if they died” list and then work that list.
The second Big Relationship Idea for 2008 is: Speak the Truth.
You know it is always remarkable to me how straight forward Jesus was in his relationships with the twelve closest friends to Him. If they weren’t getting what He was saying at certain points or if they weren’t listening or acting like they should He’d say stuff like “are you really so slow?” or “are you really that selfish?” “Is your faith really that small?” Jesus had the ability to wake up His friends not by being mean, but by having a relationship in which He was close enough to be able to speak the truth into their lives without having to worry about hurting feelings or the friendship not coming around after he said what he had to say. He would also challenge them consistently on their issues of pride and humility and about how they were treating other people around them.
In the book of Ephesians in the Bible the apostle Paul says this to the church and he says it to us the church:
“Speak the truth to one another in love.”
Now lets be honest. The truth is often the last thing we want to hear about our lives isn’t it? I mean, especially if the truth means that we need to change a few things about how we’re living or thinking or coming across. If the truth is that we need an attitude adjustment often we don’t want to hear it. But catch this, it is up to - it is the responsibility of - a friend to speak that truth into your life in a loving way and it is up to you – it is your responsibility - to listen. That is if you want your life to deepen and your relationships to grow, speaking truth into someone’s life is a huge responsibility and listening to that truth can be an issue of life or death – it really can be.
There’s a verse in Proverbs that says this:
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man (person) sharpens another.”
Proverbs 27:17
I mentioned this in the fall but it’s worth mentioning again. During this past year I took time away from work and life to kinda read, rest, revaluate and build my life back up after being pretty depleted. Call it a stress leave or a recovery time or restoration or whatever, I just checked out to get healthy for 6 months. Part of what I had to do while I was gone was begin to change parts of my character that needed changing.
Well I’m happy to say that that has begun to happen in my life but that it happened differently than I thought it would. It didn’t happen by me trying harder or working at my life, it happened by four courageous men from this church speaking truth and wisdom into my life.
There were four guys that just continued to let words of truth cut away all the junk from my life that doesn’t need to be there. Another Proverb says this:
“ Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”
Hear that. These four guys were faithful in wounding me with truth just enough to save my life and that’s what God used and who God used to begin to do what He needed to do in my life.
Folks, it is so important to have a teachable spirit in relationships and not just a bold voice that is willing to speak the truth. It isn’t one sided, it’s about speaking and receiving truth.
So here’s the question, do you have people who can speak truth into your life? Can you actually hear the truth when it is spoken? Are you humble enough to realize that the way God will speak most often into your life will be through your ten or twelve or fifteen closest friends? My experience is that that is usually how God speaks into our lives so if you do the math, and if you and I are unwilling to hear from those closest to us then we’re probably unable and maybe even unwilling to hear from God as well. Just a thought; always be teachable. James 1:19 (NIV) says:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Just be humble when you’re spoken to, not defensive. You know we always think we need to defend and it’s just not true. Be quick to listen and learn, slow to speak, slow to become angry and ready to hear the truth at every moment. My sense is if we enter into 2008 with those thoughts in mind our relationships and our lives will flourish.
Here’s number 3 Big Relationship Ideas for 2008: Laugh and Cry (Play & Pay).
Just a quick thought here. Again, something Gordon Macdonald said to me was, “people need to put themselves in relational situations where tears of laughter are not surprising and where tears of sorrow are not infrequent.” He said this looking at a group of A-personality over achieving male leaders. Fellas, playing is not a second class activity and crying isn’t just for women. Here’s what he meant. Our relationships should be so secure and developed within our ten or twelve closest friends that we can laugh hysterically and have tears well up about some sorrow all in the same day with the same people. I got to thinking about this connected to Jesus and his guys. See, you can’t tell me that Jesus didn’t laugh around the campfire with his boys. You can’t tell me that somebody in that group wasn’t a jokester or that one of those twelve guys wasn’t a bit gassy after eating beans. And you can’t tell me that none of them missed their families or wasn’t fearful of the future and that there wasn’t a few tears shed over the cost of them being a friend of Jesus. Of course there was, but I’m just trying to paint a picture for you and your relationships in this year ahead.
Do you have relationships in your sphere that you can really belly laugh with? Can you really be yourself and in laughter and sorrow, are your relationships reciprocal? Do they give and take? And if you’re not at that laughing, crying, playing and paying level then really, how are the relationships that you have? And isn’t it time to take them to another level?
All I wanted to do here is get you thinking about a different corner on friendships. When is the last time you laughed with someone until you cried? And when is the last time you cried with someone until you found laughter again?
People, that is the stuff life is made out of. These are the moments that create a little bit of heaven in this dark world we live in.
So figure that out – you can’t live without laughter and tears and without someone to share these fine moments of life with. Still with me?
4th Big Relationship Idea for 2008 - Fix What Is Broken and Never Give Up. You know sometimes relationships can go pretty sour, like really sour, especially in a family or in a marriage. All of us know that but most of the time what we don’t realize is that it doesn’t get sour over night. Usually there are little things that happen over months or years that just add up to something that ends up tasting kinda sour eventually. And most of the time in relationships - hear this - we have dozens of opportunities or perhaps 100’s or 1000’s of moments where we could make a difference to the outcome of that relationship if we just could lay down our own pride and our need to be right and be quicker to forgive and quicker to forget. Isn’t that true?
Think about it. As relationships are drifting apart isn’t there always 1000’s of moments that we could make a choice to lay down our own stuff again and bring it closer together instead of holding out for our side of the argument? “You can be right or you can be happy, it’s your choice.” Let that sink in. That’s what Dr. Phil says. But instead we just hold on to that need to be right and we hold on to that disappointment and we hold on to that frustration or hurt and we hold onto our anger. And after a while we don’t even have a desire to try and fix the little things. And when we quit wanting to step up and make things right in our closest relationships, I can guarantee that sour is just right around the corner.
It’s into that where Jesus’ words ring true; “Love one another,” “forgive one another,” and “forgive us father as we forgive those who sin against us.” It’s right at this point where the book of Proverbs says:
“Fools mock at making amends for sin.” Proverbs 14:9
So I used to work on a dairy farm when I was a kid. It was a great family and a great job. I even dated the farmer’s daughter (a good deal!)
Anyway, one weekend the farmer went away and left me in charge for the first time. I had to milk twice a day for 3 days.
It was a hot summer weekend. I got started Thursday night and did the milking, cleaned things up, turned on the cooler in the milk tank and then I went to the Drive-in. I get home at 1 am. There were no lights on at all in the milk house, so I go down and a breaker had blown. The milk had gotten warm in the tank. So I flipped the breaker, looked in the milk tank (there was only about a foot of milk in this big tank) and it looked okay and smelled a little warm but I figured – no big deal.
So I milked the next morning and evening and everything went perfect. The tank was half full of milk but when I lifted the lid it smelled a wee bit sour but it was cold, so I thought – no big deal. I milked for 2 more days and filled that tank right up.
But you guessed it, by Sunday night I had a full tank of sour milk and then I realized that the whole tank full had to be put down the drain because I hadn’t taken care of that little bit of milk on Thursday night. A little bit of milk left unattended can sour 500 gallons just like that.
Here’s what Jesus said about relationships. He said, “if someone offends you, go to them immediately. Don’t talk to someone else, just go get it done. If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” (Matthew 18:15 NIV)
Also, Matthew 5:23 & 24 (NIV) says:
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar (at the church/in prayer) and then if you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
Those were harsh words Jesus was saying to that very strict Jewish culture. He said get your relationships right and keep them right. Go quickly to get that done and don’t bother pretending to be all spiritual and be in church if there is somebody down the row, right here in church that you have a broken relationship with. Go quickly to that person and get it right. Go quickly to your son or daughter. Go quickly to your spouse. Go quickly to your friends and say “I was wrong” or “I was hurt” or “lets clear this thing up.” Do it quickly and urgently Jesus said. Why? Because a little division can sour a whole bunch of relationships. A little sin or a little offence left unattended can spoil the whole thing.
People, attend to your relationships. Be alert enough to see the little things then lead humbly in trying to fix them. Forgive one another. Forgive your spouse. Be quick to forgive and quick to make things right. Quick to be humble and quick to love.
Oh man, trust me on this. Don’t let little things ruin the whole deal. Here’s the 5th Big Deal Relationship-wise in 2008: Give Your Life (In Love.) Here’s what Jesus said right before He died to his closest friends.
“Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this than he who would lay down his life for his friends.”
John 15:12 & 13
You know everybody wants the world to be a better place. Everybody. We all want racism to stop and injustice to end. We want peace to rule and for families to stay together and for marriages to be exciting and growing. We want divorce to end and for friendships to flourish. We want kids to get along with parents and for people of all ages and all races and genders and all shapes and sizes to just get along and love each other. Isn’t that what we want?
Well let me tell you that’s what Jesus wants too. His biggest command when He left His twelve closest friends wasn’t what we think it was. He didn’t say, “hey guys go make money and then figure out this world hunger thing.” He didn’t say, “hey guys go make peace instead of war or go run the government so you can stop lawlessness.” He didn’t say, “hey guys could you make sure we build really nice churches and then fellas, make sure they’re run efficiently and effectively.” He didn’t even say, “guys make sure you stop poverty and injustice or go stop divorce and make sure families stay together.” He didn’t say any of those things. Here’s what He said, “make sure you love one another.” And then He went and showed them the extent of His love and He gave His life in love for them.
And folks, that’s how you change the world, by loving the people around you enough that you would die for them to show them your love.
That’s how broken marriages get healed and that’s how hurting relationships get mended and that’s how churches will flourish and that’s how Country’s will be blessed and that’s how things like racism and injustice and war will be stopped forever. Not by some fancy plan where all the smartest strategies are laid out and then deployed. Not by any amount of effort or money or power or might. Jesus said that’s not how you change the world. It’s by love – sacrificial – humble – giving and gracious love and by giving your life to your friends with that kinda love.
So let me ask you if you want to change the world. Think about it before you answer. Because you change the world by loving the people around you and that ain’t easy and there will be seasons of life where loving the people around you will feel like its costing you your whole life.
How far are you really willing to go to change the world? How much are you willing to sacrifice to see your family survive? How much effort are you really willing to put in to see your marriage succeed? And when we figure those things out then lets sit down and talk about changing the world, okay? Okay. |
