"God's Story"

But before I start, I would like to ask that as I share story that you would think about your own story and God’s involvement in it as crazy or messy as that may look like…try to find God in your story. Experience your own story again, and if that’s too painful to do here…could I ask you to find a time through the week to do this.

I was born and raised in NYC and lived there till I was about 12 years old at which time my parents who were immigrants to the States decided to move back to their home country of Ecuador. They decided this because they were God fearers, not necessarily God followers but they believed in God and feared him. They raised us with high moral standards and were afraid that if we stayed in NY those standards would fall by the wayside. So, we went to live in Ecuador.

When we arrived in Ecuador I was placed in an evangelical school. My parents wanted me to learn about God and they thought this would be the best place for me to learn. It was the first time that I had ever read a Bible and taught what it had to say. I remember coming home and telling my mom all the things that I was learning from the Word of God…the book through which God spoke to me and told me about who He was. My mother had her own ideas of how things were and so she would tell me that the Bible I was reading was incorrect, but I believed the Word of God to be the spoken words of God….I believed this with my whole heart.

It was through many events that my parents ended up becoming Christ followers when I was 14. My father experienced an incredible change in his life. The change however was so dramatic that I really didn’t think I wanted the same thing. All of a sudden dad was a different person. He thought differently, spoke differently, had different passions, everything changed. This was very hard on our family. So it took me about a year to decide whether I was ready and willing to follow Christ, knowing fully well that if I chose to follow Christ…the inevitable would happen…I would change. I saw it in my father and in others who were making that decision. Not that God zapped them, because I watched as my father worked hard to grow. He read his Bible on a daily basis, he studied constantly, prayed. I watched him sweat his heart out as he prepared for sermons and Bible Studies and as he carefully watched his temper and deliberately put himself in the hands of the Holy Spirit. So I knew that if I made a serious decision to follow Christ, similar changes would happen in my life. I wasn’t too sure whether I was ready to have those changes occur in my life, but I wanted God in my life. So, at 15 I made that choice. I sat at the edge of my bed, I had a psychadelic lamp on and I watched the lights of the lamp encircle the room and create patterns of colors on the wall and then I spoke…”God you are my God and I am your daughter” And that was it, I went to bed knowing fully well that he would forever be my God…and that I was made accountable for that choice.

I was so excited about my new relationship with God. I spent hours talking to people about Him and I was so passionate about Him…but I’ll be honest I wasn’t growing as quickly as I expected…and I had a difficult time making time to grow…and I slowly grew impatient and cold.

At 16, I started drawing away from the choice that I made to follow my God. It’s very easy to do that isn’t it, when you’re not growing. I dated a man who did not follow the Lord and his influence in my life and the choices I made at that time drew me farther away from God…He didn’t draw away from me…He remained being my God but it was hard for me to see that because I was so far away from Him.

At age 17, I became pregnant and in my culture I had a responsibility to save face for my family. I had to bring back the honor to my parents and the rest of the family and the only way I could do that was to marry and I did and by the age 21 I was divorced and left with 2 small children my daughter had just turned 4 and my son was 2.

I never expected my life to look that way…I didn’t have grandiose dreams, but I never expected my life to turn out that way. I was so young and left with so much responsibility. So I did what was natural…I turned to God…but I turned to Him in anger…I was angry with God…I blamed Him for my agony, I blamed him for my choices, I blamed him for my brokenness.

I wanted to rebell against God…and I did…I began to make up for the years I had lost while being married. I determined to live life as I pleased. I became selfish, self-centered, arrogant and hard. I never again wanted to suffer or feel pain like I had just experienced through my divorce. I made a choice to never cry, to never love…because to love meant to hurt, I began to enjoy my life and ignore the feelings of the people that loved me most including my parents and my own children.

I lived wreclklessly for three years but I continued going to church, partly because at the time I was living with my parents and dad was the pastor and I had to go… but I was living a double standard life and in that I was neglecting my children.

When I was 15 I made a choice to follow my God…I did not keep my promise, but I was being held accountable to that choice all along. God didn’t forget the choice I made when I was 15, nor did he forget the promise he made to me when I made that choice…that He would be my God!

The book of Joshua tells the story of the people of Israel. They had conquered many lands that were given to them by God as an inheritance. And when all the land that they had conquered was divided among them, Joshua, their leader summoned all the people and he reminds the people of what God had done on their behalf, and after he reminds them of all the wonders God had done for them he basically says this to them…you have two choices, after seeing everything that God has done for you…you can either serve him wholeheartedly or you can choose today whom you will serve. And the people respond…”We would never forsake the Lord or worship other gods…we will serve the Lord” and Joshua says to them…”You are accountable for this decision”…”you have chosen to serve the Lord”. And Joshua 24:25 says this…”So Joshua made a covenant with the people that day…committing them to a permanent and binding contract between themselves and the Lord.” When I made the decision to follow my God…I was made accountable for that choice.

But I forgot my part in the deal…God didn’t. I no longer wanted to live like a child of God…and I was slowly dying inside…my soul was dying. My biggest concern at that time was that everyone who would meet me would say to themselves…“she is so strong, so in control, is so self-confident, so independent”.

I was able to live my life like that for some time but I grew weary. I am so thankful that God knows the longings of the heart, because my heart soon enough was longing for something different than what I expressed to everyone else. I yearned to come back to the Lord with my whole heart and surrender everything to him, especially as I watched my children… but I was so far behind in my walk, I had deserted so much of my faith that I didn’t even know where to begin to get back on track. Nor would I ever admit it to anyone what I was really longing.

At age 26 I made a choice to come to Canada and particularly Bible school. I will be honest with you. Many people thought that I came because I wanted to learn more about God but that wasn’t all true…even though I longed for God I was still angry with Him. It’s in retrospect that I can look back and know where my anger stemmed from….it was from the deep belief that God could do greater things in my life. That God was all-powerful, Almighty…nothing limited God…He was bigger than anything I could ever dream of…and yet this great God had not met my expectations, had not rescued me from, had not come to my aid when I most needed it...at least I couldn’t see it.

But in spite of it all I desperately longed for God. I wanted him to be the air I breath…I wanted his Holy Presence living in me…but I didn’t know how to get there…but God saw my longing.

Psalm 38:9 says… “All my longings lie open before you O Lord, my sighing is not hidden from you”.

My life was in shambles when I arrived in Caronport on August 23, 1993. I had only $1000 in my pocket, $375 had to go towards the rent, $200 for grocery shopping, and the rest for tuition. I had no money, no job, no family, no support and I had two little children to look after and I had my sister who also came with me.

I was desperate at out of that desperation, I decided to take my Bible…the Word of God that I remembered clearly I believed so much when I was 15 and I turned it’s pages…nervous…holding the tears back….clenching my teeth, ignoring the huge lump in my throat…fighting against the intense emotions.

I read a few chapters in Job and was shocked by the humility of this man to come before God in sackcloth and ashes as a sign of repentance…He wept before His God. Then I turned the pages of Scripture again and I came upon the story of King David where he too weeps before God in complete repentance. The stories resonated with the deep desire I had in me to acknowledge God in my life again, to be made accountable for the decision I made when I was 15…I knew he was keeping his end of the deal…He had shown me over and over that He was my God.

I knew it was time, and I opened my mouth and said “God”…and tears flowed down my face, as I rolled on my bed from side to side like a child…I couldn’t say another word…I was stuck on “God”. I rolled down on the floor and sprawled there trying to control my emotions and then from deep within me I spoke these words… “God I want to repent, but I don’t know how to. Please Teach me.

I’ve never been the same again. Today I am a new person…I still am accountable for my choice to follow God…I have a responsibility to grow BUT THE BIGGEST THING I HOLD ON TO is that know he will never forget his part…to be my God…and so every day I keep my eyes, my ears, my heart open in holy expectation and anticipation of my God. My God who gracefully forgives and who powerfully transforms.

Imagine what it would be like if each one of us took responsibility for the choice we made to follow Christ. Just imagine…for teenager taking responsibility may mean honoring and respecting their parents, for parents it may mean asking their children for forgiveness, for those working in the corporate world it may mean giving credit to those who need to be credited, still for others it may mean being careful of what they watch, hear and say. And yet for others it may mean making the decision to follow Christ for the first time.

For me it was repentance.

I’m going to ask Jocelyn to play the hymn “How Deep the Father’s Love”, there won’t be any singing…just the music. I’d like to ask you during the song and through this week, think about God’s involvement in your life…His story in your life and then as Joshua said to the people of Israel, make a choice…you only have 2 choices, either you follow God whole heartedly or you don’t…what’s it going to be?