Our topic today is one that is very serious, many people struggle with, and many families are touched by it. This is not a fun topic, but one that needs to be addressed in our society. Our topic today is divorce, and what the bible has to say about it. This is a subject that many churches rarely address, and it is one that causes much discussion and division within communities. Now, I'm going to ask you to listen very carefully, because there are some certain sections in this talk that could cause some great concern, and we could all get into trouble if it is not heard in the right way or in the right spirit.
I wish to warn you that we are going to be talking about is something that for some of you is an all-to-familiar reality in your lives. Some of you may be experiencing the painful struggles of a marriage in trouble. Some of you may have already been through the pain of separation, have experienced the broken heart of rejection, or the anger of a trust betrayed. Its not my intent to open wounds here, or make this an uncomfortable setting, but divorce is a reality in our lives today, and most of you, if not all will be touched by it through family members, friends, acquaintances, coworkers.
It has been said that we live in a "culture of divorce." I am sure that at one point in your lives you have heard the statistics regarding divorce that roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. In actuality, that is an American stat. According to StatsCan, in Canada 30-35% of first-time marriages end in divorce. To put it in perspective, we have 3 sections in our sanctuary. Statistically speaking, you could fill one section of our church with those that have experienced divorce. For subsequent marriage, that stat rises about 10-15% for each marriage. One of the most interesting things was this. In researching this subject, I found that for self-declared Christians, the numbers are actually higher by 2-3%. That is to say that if the divorce rate is 30%, for Christians it's about 33%. The reality of this stat hits us here at Lakeview. Pastor Dean told me that there is not a week that goes by where there is a couple coming to the church for help.
I will not stand here and profess to have all the answers or to be some kind of expert on the subject. So I borrowed from a number of resources. One is a book by Craig Keener called AND MARRIES ANOTHER. It is a book that discusses Divorce and Re-marriage in the New Testament. Another is REBUILDING by Bruce Fisher, which guides people through the recovery from a divorce. I will also borrow from John Ortberg, Max Lucado and others to provide insight into this subject. But primarily, we are going to look at what the bible has to say on this issue.
To set the stage, I going to play a video that shows the reality of a divorce. We have graciously been granted permission by the Dr. Phil show to a clip for a recent series he broadcast called "The Anatomy of a Divorce." For some of you, this may seem very real and may open some old wounds. This may be painful to watch, and it's not the type of stuff we usually show here. There is bleeped out language, and some of it may be shocking. But it's raw, it's emotional, and it's real.
"Dr. Phil" clip
It wasn't supposed to be this way. At some point, if you have every experienced hardship in your marriage, you have either thought this, or even said it aloud. When your life takes a turn for the worse, and you are faced with the heartache of marital strife, many think "this is not what I signed up for."
If divorce is anything, divorce is a war. Spouses take up sides and the battle begins. This war could take many forms. It could be an all out assault, where verbal, and sometimes-physical bombs are lobbed with no consideration for what damage they may cause. It could be a cold war, where harsh silence takes over, where communication disappears, and the marriage withers and dies from neglect. The war could take the form of a surprise attack, where one spouse suddenly leaves and the other spouse is left shocked and wondering what happened. Or, it could be one of attrition, where both sides are tired of fighting, and simply give up.
As with any war, there are casualties. Statistics show that each spouse faces a lower standard of living, and many do not recover. These studies indicate that income levels drop 12-15% for divorcees. The social cost is higher though. There are people who leave a swath of marriages in their wake, and devastate many families. The effect of absent fathers is just now coming to light, with soaring crime rates and crushed self worth the most apparent symptoms. Most often, children pay the highest, and longest-lasting price. Studies are now showing that by age 16, 20% of all Canadian children will have parents that are divorced. Recent studies have shown that the effect of divorce on children leads to lower incomes when these children grow into adults, leads higher rates of unemployment, greater chances for divorce in adulthood, and higher incidence of social difficulties. In one particular study by LeBourdais and Marcil-Gratton in 1998 showed that children who lost a parent through death fared as well in their marriages as children from intact families, yet those from a divorce showed a much higher rate of divorce in later years.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Now some of you may think that since I'm speaking from the pulpit that I don't know anything about divorce. Well, I have experienced it. My first marriage began in 1992. I had moved to Ottawa to play football, and my first wife was an employee with the team. Without getting into the gory details, it became apparent that as our marriage progressed that we were in for rough ride. It took a downward spiral after my football career ended in 1993. There were many fights, many at full volume. To this day, I am still not sure why our neighbours did not call the cops on us. As loud as our fights were though, it was the silence that was most telling. We would go long stretches without speaking to each other. There was one stretch where we literally did not speak to each other for 4 months. If you are wondering how that works, she travelled lots and I immersed my self in work.
We split for good in 1995 and I moved to Regina. In looking back at my marriage, I had to look at the type of person I was, and I did not like it. Even now I think, "Who were you?" I did and said things that today I think were absolutely reprehensible, and wouldn't even consider saying to my wife now. I did not like who I became. Fortunately, God was there and decided to pay me a visit. I remember it clearly. I was in my apartment in Regina. My furniture had not arrived yet, so all I had was a bed I had purchased, a clock and a phone. As I was sitting there in the silence, God asked me a simple question. He said, "OK Al, I gave you everything that YOU wanted. You wanted a sports career and you got it. You wanted a marriage and you got that too. You got everything that you wanted. How did that go for you?" It was then that He told me that I needed to go a different path. Through much healing and hard work, fundamentally changed who I was.
I felt called to speak on this topic because of a conversation I had with a friend here at Lakeview. He was relaying to me news of a couple divorcing, and stated very forcefully "We need to teach them that it is not right to do this. We should ban them from the church to force them back together." I was shocked, and later saddened to hear such hard words coming from this man. The ironic thing was, he was divorced himself!
When considering this talk, the question that keeps coming up in my mind is this. When did divorce become the unforgivable sin? People lying, cheating, murdering and stealing can cause as much damage to our community as divorce. When did those experiencing divorce deserve to be excluded from the church? Is there a place for the divorced in our church community? And if not, what about me?
Jesus faced similar issues. If you recall, during Jesus' time the Pharisees were the religious rulers at the time, and they looked after the development and enforcement of the laws that would allow the Israelites to keep God's commands. The unfortunate part was, that the focus of the Pharisees & the people was on obeying the over 600 rules for religious purity. In the Pharisees' minds, these rules were designed to bring people closer to God. The reality was, The Pharisees' rules more often excluded people, and the focus was not on God, but the Pharisees. Jesus was seen as a threat, because he continually preached that God's love was available to anyone, especially those deemed as "sinners."
Matthew 19:3-10 (NIV)
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" 4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 7 "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" 8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Jesus touches on this issue with remarkable clarity. According to him, the root cause of divorce is what is called HARDNESS OF HEART. In the Greek language, it is described using two words; arteri or artery, and sclerosis or hardening. That is where we get the term arteriosclerosis, or hardening of the arteries. It is a process whereby something that was soft, and tender and pliable, becomes hard, brittle and withered.
In marriages, over time hearts can become hard. When we first start dating, we would do anything to serve the other we are courting. In high school, we would carry their books. In University, we would carry their projects home. After marriage, tradition states that men carry their new brides over the threshold. Our goal is to serve the other, think primarily about the other person's needs, and do anything to try and meet them.
However, over time, hearts harden, we become more concerned with our needs and wants, and cease serving the other if it doesn't meet our own concerns. The classic example is the husband who sits on the couch watching football. His wife asks him to help move the couch he is on across the room, and he responds that she should " wait until halftime, then I will move to the Laz-I-boy." Hardness of heart sets in when, instead of seeking to serve, I seek to be served. Instead of reconciliation, we seek to blame. Instead of listening to this message with open hearts, and asking how it speaks to me, we think "Boy, I hope my spouse is hearing this."
You see, Jesus saw the root cause of the problem. The Pharisees felt they could trap him by pointing to the law of Moses. They point to a verse in Deuteronomy 24 where it states:
1 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house,.
The ramifications of this verse are staggering, especially when you consider how broad this statement was. Take the word DISPLEASES. This could mean anything. There are ancient writings where men would divorce their wives over how they looked in the morning. If a woman spoke loud enough to her husband that the neighbours could hear, he could divorce her. There are even reports that some men divorced their wives for burning the soup. Then take a look at what the Pharisees point to later in that verse. They say "Moses COMMANDED that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away." Commanded, like it was their right. Take a very close look at the words used. COMMANDED.
Please listen carefully to this, though. But Jesus points even further back. Firstly, He says "No, no, Moses allowed divorce as a CONCESSION to your hard-heartedness. But God did not intend it this way." Moses conceded that people's hearts were hard, and to accommodate that hard-heartedness, he allowed it. BUT, it was not God's plan that there be divorce in his creation.
What was God's plan then? Above all else, God wants an intimate relationship with each of us. In Genesis at the time of creation, God created this gift of marriage as a representation of his relationship with us, and marriage is the earthly, finite representation of an eternal divine relationship. That is why marriages are rarely referred to as contracts, but rather as covenants. God, in partnership with a man and a woman ( you can view it as a triangle), establishes bonds that are eternal in nature. Genesis states this very clearly and Jesus reminds us of this.
Genesis 2:24-25
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
But, when hearts get hard, and marriages break down, bitterness and selfishness take root, and blame and shame take place. The covenant is shattered, and God's plan falls away. God did not intend for this to happen. He even states this very clearly. Malachi 2:16 says "I hate divorce ," says the LORD God of Israel." Now from my point of view, when God says he hates something, you have to pay attention. I don't think He said this to condemn us however. He stated it because divorce breaks apart that which is good, and eternal in nature, and causes great sadness. In some Hebrew texts, it is said that when a man divorces a woman, the altar weeps. They were saying that to describe how God's heart breaks for us when we experience this.
Look at it this way. When Eve was first created, how did Adam respond? I think the correct term would be WOW! It was not "You are mine, so you better toe the line!." There was honour there, treasuring and nurturing on both parts, and as Genesis states "They felt no shame." They sought to serve each other, be tender and caring, and lifted each other up before God. Then the serpent came, they ate of the fruit, and God asks them what happened, how did Adam respond there? SHE DID IT! He blamed Eve, and right there hearts started to harden. God did not intend it to be this way. Jesus then called for us to be "soft-hearted." He called to us to tender, kind, patient and loving.
Because of the divine nature of marriage, divorce is viewed very seriously in Christianity. Biblically speaking then, the allowances for divorce in scripture relate to actions that break that covenant. There are 2 instances where divorce is biblically permitted. One is Martial Unfaithfulness. The Greek word for this is "Pornea", where we get the word pornography, and it relates to the act of adultery. However, John Ortberg describes this to mean not only sexual infidelity, but emotional as well. You've seen this. Inappropriate touching, intimate conversations with third parties, sharing intimate time with another that clearly violate the marital boundaries set forth. You see, it's more than just about sex. Its about sharing something with another that was clearly meant only for your spouse.
The second instance is Desertion. Another way to describe it is the abandonment of the marriage covenant. A popular term today that sugar coats it would be to say if one spouse "checks-out" of the marriage. But it is bigger than that. It is the disregard for the responsibilities that are implicit in the marriage covenant. It is a self serving position that focuses totally on self, and ignoring those under your care. Now, please listen carefully. This is not to say that if your spouse doesn't pay attention to you or watches TV more than communicates to you, you have "biblical grounds" to divorce. It is meant to describe how you live your life. 1 Timothy 5:8 states
8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
He stated this to indicate that, those that are in marriage, and do not honour their responsibilities to that covenant, are worse off than those that deny the faith entirely. This could mean money, food, shelter, clothing etc. But, this describes more than just living arrangements. It also describes the expectations of marriage outside of the material. This includes emotional intimacy, sex, oneness of spirit, close familial bonds, and parental guidance. Some people play games with this. They spend time out with friends instead of their families, concerned with their own self gratification, and then say things like "but I'm providing for my family." Lets be candid here. They are just playing roommate, and are married in name only.
There are many ways of being abandoned other than the most obvious. Maybe its violence. Maybe its long-standing patterns of deceit or addictions. As a very graphic example of what that means, consider the situation of the battered wife.
The point in all of this is that the covenant is still broken, and that the one-flesh couple we are called to be ceases to be one. This is not a petty, mindless act of indiscretion, where there is true acknowledgment of the hurt involved, and a will to repent and seek reconciliation. It is a wilful, deliberate, unrepentant, hard-hearted, Christ-denying act, in which one party chooses to go it alone.
However, I also want to make the following point very clear. Please listen carefully. These "concessions" are not to be viewed as "a way out" of the marriage. They cannot be seen as "loopholes" in the law. Jesus continually asks us to love one another, and to seek reconciliation and repentance with each other. The overriding principle here is this; that divorce, as an act of division, should be viewed as a last resort. The concession of divorce is simply an EXCEPTION to what God desires for us
Jesus calls us to be soft-hearted, tender, forgiving, and loving. He often uses words like being patient, kind, good, faithful, tender, joyful. That is what God calls us to be like. Do those sound like words the hard-hearted use? And this does not just relate to those directly involved in divorce. Jesus also asks that of us viewing the divorce from the outside.
As one who experienced divorce, I am often struck as to how divorce is handled within the walls of the church (this building). I believe that there is a great reluctance to discuss the matter, because it involves an incredible amount of human pain. Sometimes it is a taboo subject, not to be discussed. Sometimes it is viewed with confusion, and people don't really know how to approach it. My own family had this problem, as I was the first and only person in my entire family to get divorced. In all fairness, they simply did not know how to discuss it. Sometimes it is viewed with prejudice, and people see divorce as a weakness of character. Sometime it is viewed with judgement, condemnation and exclusion. And I am sad to say, some in our midst react like my friend did, and use inclusion in the church as a weapon. Many times, we simply do not know the circumstances, and assume our positions on our own fallible assessment. We are nowhere near capable enough to judge a person's heart.
Sometimes, divorce is seen as the ultimate barrier to being with Jesus.
Craig Keener's book sums this up the best, so I will read directly from there.
QUOTE
Christians get a bad rap sometimes, and rightly so, for being too self-righteous with scripture. We view scripture as "the rules" for living, rather than seeing the essence of Christ's message. That being, that he loves us so much that he would lay down his life for us.
Does divorce separate us from that love? ABSOLUTELY NOT! In fact, Christ promised to forgive all sins if we turn to him. But, I think more importantly, Christ's love for us extends to those that are hurting, in pain, in need of comfort, in need of peace, and desperately tired of conflict, and weary in spirit. Doesn't that describe those of us who are having trouble in their marriages? Jesus ministered to large crowds, many of which were hurting physically, emotionally and spiritually. But He said, "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." I believe that can manifest itself in the church.
Here at Lakeview, we have a DivorceCare support group. If you have experienced the pain of divorce, this can be a place where you can receive support and healing. If you are experiencing marital strife, please come to us here at the church. We can point you in the right direction. But most importantly, come to Jesus, the eternal source of comfort.
I offer these last words of comfort. Those in a stable, loving marriages, we sometimes get smug and self-righteous, thinking lesser of those having marital difficulties. I sometimes fall into that trap myself. I submit to you, that you should view your marriage for what it is; a gift. It is a valuable, but very fragile gift. Treasure and nurture that gift. There will be times when trouble comes, and you will be better able to weather those storms by investing in your marriage in the good times. To help you, I encourage you to look at the Married for Life course offered by the University of the Family. There is information at the back at the Small Group board. Heather and I have taken it, and it refocused us on how to nurture that which God has given us.
To those having trouble in your marriages now, I ask you to please get help. There is no shame in getting counselling. It is not an admission of failure. It is simply a cry for help, and a way to allow people to minister to you. But I would ask you to also do something else. Bring God into the fight. As a partner in your covenant, He has as much to lose as you do. I can understand how some of you may see this as just some standard, churchy advice. But I have seen it first hand where people have brought God into their fight, and it has healed their marriage. I have friends who are going through a tough spot right now. At one time, the cynical side of me said that there was no way they could put that back together, and they were done. Experience from my first marriage told me that was the case. But God had other plans. While they did separate, they sought counselling, prayed a great deal, and asked God for healing. And you know what? Their hearts were softened, and while they are still working things out, there is hope for reconciliation. And I am of the opinion that when they finally do come back together, and I am now confident they will, the angels will sing and all heaven will rejoice.
There also may be times where you are just simply tired of fighting. But God asks you to keep trying, keep fighting it out. Give it a second chance, a third chance and a 500 th chance. I promise you, by trying and persevering, in a spirit of repentance and soft-hearts that God is in that fight, and will be there to help put your marriage back together.
To those that are divorced, God has a place for you. It is here, in his church. He knows your pain. He has felt the sting of rejection, the pain of conflict, the hurt of abandonment. And He so much wants you to be comforted.
Sometimes we try to find the easy route to healing. We find these "how-to" books, the 12 step programs of marital reconciliation. We go to Dr. Phil, Ann Landers and Oprah for guidance, when all we really need to do is submit our hearts to Jesus. When you do that, hearts that were once hard, become soft and tender once more. God even gave us this promise.
Ezekiel 36: 26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
That is a promise you can take to the bank.
God doesn't want us to be separated from Him at all. The problem with the pain of divorce makes us look inward rather than to Him. And those on the outside look on in judgement or fear. But, divorce is not a life sentence. It is not the unforgivable sin, where God turns his back on you. Jesus shed his blood for all of us, so that we would not have to endure everlasting pain for our sins. He paid the price, so that we can ALL share in the eternal promise of everlasting life. All of us, including those touched by divorce. Scripture says "God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." If you want a true sense of that verse, replace the word world, with the word you. "God so loved YOU, that he gave his only son, so that WHEN YOU believe in him YOU shall not perish but have eternal life."
So often, those in divorce experience terrible, terrible loneliness, and often feel there is no place to turn. Often, they feel that no one loves them, and there is no one capable of loving them. They feel ostracized in their own communities. But you are so wrong. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus was also very alone, and crying out to God for deliverance. We can make that same cry. And he will be there. Come to Jesus, let him heal your wounds, let Him give you rest.
You see, if nothing else, the bible is considered one long love song to those in need of Him. And that's all of us. Promise after promise is made that He loves us, and wants us to share in His everlasting glory. He would do anything to see that happen. He did everything to see that happen. And He did for you.
Before we go, I want to let you know about the next 2 weeks. Pastor Dean will be talking about PIERCING THE DARKNESS. The talks will be on Darkness and Light in our world. We invite you back for that series.
As our last prayer, I am borrowing from both George R. Graham and Rev. Henry Alford. It is a prayer for the weary, and in need of renewal. As you go tonight, I urge you to go forth with soft hearts and tender spirits.
Dear heavenly Father, O God, perfect us in love, that we may conquer all selfishness and hatred of others; fill our hearts with your joy, and give us your peace which surpasses understanding; that so those disputes which come too easily may be overcome. Soften our hearts, make us patient and gentle, and subdue our quick and angry tempers. Grant that we may bring forth the blessed fruits of the Spirit. God of all compassion, we carry so many concerns, for ourselves, for our world and for our families. Help us release our burdens to you, knowing that you will receive them and carry them for us.
And may the Lord bless you and keep you, may He smile down upon you. May He show you his kindness, grant you His mercy, and give you His peace.
Amen. |
