Well, this week - doing all this preparation for speaking on sex and intimacy and romance - busy week, kinda got caught up in it..but kept telling Pam about how I was gonna preach about romance and intimacy. So Thursday night, Pam says."Are we doing anything tomorrow night?" And I said, "No - Why?" Then she said - "It's the 14 th of February and I thought we might go out." And I said, "Well, I'm kinda busy.got lots going on.maybe - maybe not." Then she finally dropped it - "DEAN - it's Valentine's Day tomorrow." And suddenly I realized who needed this message the most - ME.
Let me recap last week in one paragraph. We talked about how sex in our culture is way out of control..We talked straight up about pornography and addictions and the misuse of sex in our lives..and how destructive that can and will be to us. We talked about the moral decay that brings into our lives and homes and families..We also talked about God's plan for sex in our lives - "the good stuff." We talked about God being the One who created the whole idea of sex..as a gift to us His creation..and we talked about the difference between rules and boundaries..that rules don't work, but how boundaries simply keep us out of danger areas..And God's boundaries keep us in safety zones sexually and out of places that will hurt us and the people around us..that was last week. (Get it on line or get the tape.)
This week, I want to talk clearly about the good stuff - about God's plan for us sexually..I want to unfold a mystery to you..a mystery that is spiritual and physical and mental and emotional..the mystery of sex - Today there are 4 key ingredients we must put together - to understand and unlock this great mystery..
First, let's talk about the arrangement that God has set up for us..
I. Arrangement - an intimate arrangement
I referred to this last week..but I want to clarify and come back to it. It's important to know the boundary God has marked out for us. The intimate arrangement that God has given us called sex is to take place within the confines of marriage. Those are the boundaries - That God's plan for us..that sex is a wedding gift - not an engagement present - not a Friday night present - Not a weekend fling present - but a wedding present. From the opening pages of Scripture God says, "For this reason (marriage) a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) Look at the progression - He will leave his father and mother and be united - not to his fiancé - not his girlfriend - but united to his wife. There's a marriage there..and then the two will become one flesh. This sexual intercourse - this gift..(One translation says leave/cleave..)
That's the way God has ordained this - from the very beginning.
About 14 years ago - actually it was 14 years, 7 months, 6 days, and 5 hours ago - Pam and I got married..I remember it like it was yesterday.
Beautiful day in July - warm, sunny, great ceremony, great reception, 300+ people - great celebration..Day of celebrating life and friendships and family and God's goodness. Guess what? As the day wore on, amazing to see friends..laugh, talk, reminisce - great to celebrate with my family and feel their love..but I gotta be really honest - by 5p.m. it was time to leave and go cleave - it was time for us to become one flesh. It was time to be united. We had both saved ourselves for that day (we were virgins) and we were excited about the mystery of intimacy God had planned for us..this mystery of becoming one flesh.
You know the reason God says that this "one flesh idea" is not for single people is because it is a life uniting act to be experienced within the context of a permanent life union. This two becoming one flesh is about a great giving..It's about giving yourselves - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, relationally, and completely to another person and your lives are so intertwined..that the Bible says - the 2 become 1..
and that can only happen within a permanent life union - (till death do us part). Outside of that picture, it just isn't permitted. In fact, outside of that picture it doesn't even make sense..
Now, for those of you who are singles here (like I mentioned last week) - talk straight - if you want to experience God's best and the best sex life possible, then live according to God's plan - and wait. If you're involved in sexual sin now - just stop and make a commitment to not give that gift until your wedding day..If you want to experience it at its best - from the One who designed it and created it - then wait..
Let me talk about that for just a moment à Our culture has reduced this incredible powerful and mysterious picture to simply saying that sex is just about 2 bodies joining together in an act of physical passion..and the subtle lie (actually it's not so subtle) is that nothing else happens - it's just 2 bodies.
A few years ago (ok, about 10) a movie came out called Indecent Proposal where Demi Moore was offered $1 million to cheat on her husband (Woody Harrelson) and sleep with Robert Redford. Well, her line to her husband says this, "It's a million dollars, I'll just give him my body - not my mind - not my heart."
The view is that nothing else has to be involved in it - it's a physical uniting only...Well, I need to tell you the truth. Love making within marriage is a sacred activity - it's holy. Sex has profound spiritual implications. It has soul implications, not just physical ones.
Hebrews 13:4 - "Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband." Honor marriage and guard the sacredness and guard the sexual intimacy between husband and wife.
Folks, what you've got to realize and then remember is that when your bodies join so do your souls. That's the mystery surrounding sex..that God has placed an eternal element within it..There is soul attachment that happens when 2 people join in the act of sex..
Now play that out..the other side of this truth is this..When you have multiple sexual partners, your soul becomes fragmented..you share your soul with each one..and a piece of your soul gets joined with theirs and you don't get it back...That's the truth.
Garth Brooks - the theologian that he is - in a song called "That Summer" which describes a young man's first sexual partner..".I have never held another when I haven't seen her face." That's called imprinting - and it's called soul fragmentation and it's a really big deal..because if there is anything in life that you want to be whole and complete and in place..it's your soul. That's why God says honor marriage and guard sexual intimacy between husband and wife..because it's a big deal. Your soul is at stake. Sex is sacred.
Now I wouldn't be true to the nature and truth of God if I didn't say this..forgiveness and soul restoration is very near all the time. If you have stepped off life's path here..God's desire is to share his grace freely and constantly restore His people to a place of holiness and purity..He would love nothing better than to help you regain your purity...that too is a great and amazing mystery.
Now - let's get back to this whole intimacy idea, and I want to talk clearly to you about developing intimacy and developing this sacred act of sex within marriage - to a whole new level. Here's the second ingredient to developing intimacy -
II. Attitudes - internal attitudes
Here's what I believe - our attitudes affect absolutely every part of our lives - Our behavior, our words, our actions, and our attitudes about sex within marriage will affect our whole lives..So here's what I think - I think we need the light of God's words - God's truth - to shine on our attitudes about sexuality.
You know what? I read a survey this week that said this: 50%+ of married couples have frustration in their sex lives. Connect this..I think a key reason for this is because of unhealthy attitudes people have about sex and sexuality. If the attitudes could change - a lot of the frustrations would go away..
I need to say a few things here that I can't fully cover (I need to apologize for that before I say them). There are some here today - or maybe some of you have a spouse that has unhealthy sexual attitudes as a result of some issues and past history - some baggage sexually that you've got to deal with. For some of you, there's been sexual abuse as a child or rape. Maybe you've had multiple partners in the past - maybe previous relationships or a dysfunctional home and it's affecting your life..and as long as those issues and that baggage remains, you're never gonna fully experience the amazing intimacy that God wants you to experience within your marriage..and you know, you need to deal with it or you never will..
Let me tell you the truth..if you ignore it, it will never go away. In fact, it will only get worse if it's left to fester within you..The Bible says that in marriage the two become one. So if he has baggage - they have baggage..(The 2 become 1) If she has baggage - they have baggage.
You know what? The best way to deal with this is to say we have issues..and to deal with them together - in support - in strength - to seek godly counsel and wisdom from others together..to get some help and work through it. It won't be easy (at all) - but if you want God's best in your marriage, those issues have got to be dealt with.
For some, the issues are raw - still bleeding..painful, but I need to say this..plead with you..deal with those things. Come to the church. We'll help or we'll connect you to other professional Christian counsellors. If you're single, deal with this stuff now - before you become one with someone else in marriage.
For some of you, your issues are not so deep. The unhealthy attitude is more about insecurity. Insecurity about the topic of sex (never talked about it at home), maybe insecure with your own body or maybe it's about inhibitions..(this is a big deal). You know what? About 40% of women have a significant level of inhibitions sexually and with their own body. And you know what? With insecurity, fears, and maybe shame comes frustration within marriage sexually..and you know what? (When we believe lies about ourselves and about God's truth it hinders us.) People, let God's word light your life. Sex and sexuality is God's gift. It's a blessing from God right to you..that has nothing to do with fear or shame or insecurity..
Here's what the Apostle Paul says.. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Romans 12:2) We've got to let the truth renew and transform our minds. The Word of God says that sex honors God - it glorifies God - it is beautiful.
When's the last time you thanked God for sex?
".Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31)
Now, husbands and wives - wouldn't that also include our sex lives? Whatever - do it all to the glory of God..Now I'm not saying every time you have sex you've gotta sing "Hallelujah" (maybe you want to - maybe it's that good - I don't know). Whatever it takes - we've got to have a healthy, truth-filled, light filled attitude about sex and sexuality - from God's Word.
One more attitude:
Servanthood - a serving attitude must meet our spouses.
1 Corinthians 7:3 - "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband."
People hear this..When you enter into a marriage and enter into that commitment, it becomes a calling in your life..to serve your spouse - sexually.
Romans 12:10 - ".Honor one another about yourselves."
Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
So let me ask you..What would happen if we applied these to our sex lives within marriage? To honor our spouse - to consider their needs above ours. Serving - selfless - sacrificial.
You know what? As a follower of Jesus Christ, I become obedient to God's Word and Christ when I serve my wife sexually..and as a follower of Christ Pam becomes obedient to Christ when she serves me sexually. I'm not talking self-centeredness. What do I get out of this..It's how can I help you - how can I honor you - how can I please you - how can I serve you? Now there's the attitude we're looking for - to be like Christ to one another.
Mutual servanthood - get it people. The act of sex is a spiritual act - it's a spiritual hour - it's worship. It's sacred. It's like going to church..(honey, let's go to worship tonight) It's an act that God designed and it's something God wants for us to enjoy.
The Bible says - get a healthy attitude. One that honors and glorifies God - by serving one another - selflessly - sexually. Enough about attitudes - Let's move to the third ingredient -
III. Atmosphere
I'm talking here about an inviting atmosphere.
Now - mostly here I'm talking to men, but let me start with women..
My wife used to have this big fuzzy robe/pajama deal..It was like a full body armored suit - ziploc bag - complete from head to toe except little holes for her hands and feet and head. It was like Fort Knox - you could not get into this thing..It was like a complete head to toe chastity fleece..
And when she put it on, it would scream "keep out - headache." A friend of mine has nicknamed his wife's similar garment the "not tonighty". It was not a real inviting atmosphere when she wore that..Best thing - guess what - when that thing wore out, she never replaced it.
Catch this very elementary biblical/life truth. Men and women are different. The Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made..Men are created different. Women are created different. It's not right or wrong. It's not good or bad. It's just different.
Women - you've got to understand men are not just out of control sex-crazed animals - They are just created different than you. Men - you've gotta understand women don't just hold out so they can see a grown man cry - they are just created different than you.
Now, catch this..For men, sex is like an on/off switch - Men are able to compartmentalize sex into an event - just part of the day..For the woman, it's a little more complex - more involved - and her sex drive has a whole lot to do with how her day has gone - how the kids have behaved - how much undone stuff is on her to-do list and what she's preoccupied with - her mood - whether or not she feels pretty or appreciated - All these things go into a woman's sex drive.
Now fellas - here's what I'm saying..You can't approach your wife the way you want to be approached. "Hey - got a few minutes? Let's go." It's different - men and women are different.
I heard one guy describe it like the difference between cooking in a crock pot or in a microwave..One takes 30 seconds to be ready - the other takes 5 hours..It's a slower process.
Men - how are you gonna approach your wife? Like when you come home from work - Ever think of asking her how her day went and really listen to the answer? And then share about your day before she asks..Like to use sentences, not just words, to communicate. How about totally engaging in taking care of the kids and the meals and dishes and the house stuff..How about a hug or some non-sexual touching? (Guys say "what's that?") But to think and act on what it is for her that helps and serves her - and allows her to enjoy sex and marriage..because it's gonna be different than you.
Now, I like to hunt, so let's say you're going hunting..When a bull elk is mating, what's that called? Rut. He's in the rut. His neck gets swelled up - walks around with his chest out - whistles for a female elk..When he whistles it's time to mate and then when he's done mating, he goes off by himself and doesn't want to have anything to do with her until it's time to mate again. Well, there's a lot of men like that. Kinda get in the rut..then they do this whistling routine and then they do their thing and say give me the remote - Sports Center is on..I'll call you next time. Guys, you are not bull elk. You're created in the image of God - the Creator. So be a little creative. The last thing your wife should ever say is "our sex life is boring." It shouldn't happen - shouldn't be in a rut.
Guys - do you remember the show "Love Boat" - opening line - "Love exciting and new - come aboard we're expecting you." Love/romance/sex is supposed to be exciting and new. Well, I would suggest guys, that we should look at that..Because most of us have rewritten that song - "Love boring and routine - come on babe it's the same old thing..the love rut." Guys, we gotta get out of the rut! Let me read you some scripture that is a little out of context, but I think it applies..
Revelation 2:4&5 - "You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first."
Guys - do you remember how it was? You'd work all day and then you'd go home and shower and shave and put on cologne and get some flowers and then go pick her up..You'd go for long walks and you'd listen to her - and you'd kiss her on the neck - kinda nibble on her ear lobe.."Go back and do the things you did at first." Guys, you've gotta be a little more creative here..
Women aren't like you - they're more involved..Men - remember this word - romance. Candle light, music, back rub (b-word). Go back to the way it was at the beginning. Listen to this men - You know, a lot of guys will say or think - my sex life is boring. Guys, hear this. (If your sex life is boring, that's an indictment on you more than anything/anyone else..) Be creative.
4 suggestions for men from the Bible:
Song of Solomon Chapter 7:
Verse 11 - "Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages."
Great idea! Let's get away - leave the kids - leave the business - leave the cell phone. Let's just get away - just you and I - just spend some time in an intimate time away..off in the countryside. Even one night - you need to be about that (couples).
Verse 12 - "Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom - there I will give you my love."
Early - not the same old time (night). Morning, lunch, afternoon delight. Go to the vineyards. There I will give you my love..outside - in the vineyard.
Verse 13 - ".at our door is every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my lover."
All the old things - the things that I know work - we're gonna do..but wait - I got some new moves to put on you as well. The flowers - the candles - that's all good, but I've got some new stuff - I'm being creative. How about an inviting atmosphere that will enhance your sex life?
Here's the fourth ingredient..
IV. Acknowledgment
Here I'm just talking about good old fashioned open communication between husband and wife about sex..To talk through what's good, what's bad, what they like, what brings pleasure..Where stuff is going really well, where it needs improvement. To just be able to talk and share. You know the Hebrew (O.T.) word for sexual intimacy is "to know."
I want to know my wife so well..I want to know what pleases her - I want to know what brings her pleasure - and what she likes and I want to take that knowledge and apply it to our sex lives/marriage..
Goal of mine - for her to be so pleased - so fulfilled - that when a temptation comes along, some guy that looks better, has more money, drives a nice truck - she'll be going "whatever". Why would I even turn my head - I've got it great at home. My husband knows me and he fulfills me and I'm satisfied..I want her to be thinking - Why would I trade in a fully loaded dodge diesel 4x4 for some little scooter..I want the grass to be so green on our side of the fence that everything else looks like the desert - wasteland - in comparison.
Folks, I hope you're getting what God's Word is saying..Sex within marriage is not only sacred and holy but it's something to work at and to figure out and it's something we need to be healthy about...It needs to be creative and selfless and serving. Now I'm not gonna talk much more about this desire and serving and communication stuff, but listen to this..
1 Corinthians 7:4&5 - "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
Couples do you know what that implies? Do not deprive. Don't hold back. Don't stop serving one another sexually, unless you want to take a break for a few days for spiritual reasons..but then get back at it.
Proverbs 5:18 - "Be happy - yes rejoice in your wife. Let her tender embrace satisfy you..Let her alone fill you with delight!"
Song of Solomon 6:12 - "You have made me eager for love."
People, celebrate the gift of sex within marriage. Cherish it - work at it - serve it - enjoy it. And you will honor God in your marriage.
Well folks, we're done 2 weeks on a pretty hot topic. Here is the goal (always)..that we will all walk closer to God - every day..That we will apply his truth to our lives - in very practical ways..And that His light will shine brightly in our lives as we live for Him..So brightly that others will see His love and light in us..
Let me read you these verses to close..wraps this up.
Proverbs 4:11&12 - "I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble."
Proverbs 4:18 - "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day."
I love that line - brighter and brighter and brighter - as you walk and live for God..with your life..His light and truth and love will shine more and more onto your path - amazing picture of truth.
*Message adapted from a sermon given by Pastor Bob Marvel at Cornwall Church. |
