I. Secure Self
One of our greatest responsibilities as parents or as significant influences in a child's life is to help them see themselves as God does.. to create within them an accurate, true, and strong sense of self. Psalm 139 in the Bible has one of the clearest statements ever made on the subject of self-image..Here, David, who is the king of Israel..successful beyond all measure and has risen to the top of every ladder he has climbed..He's a man with profound abilities in music and writing, yet he doesn't look to any of those abilities or achievements for his deep sense of value. Instead, he looks to the One who made him..
"O LORD , you have searched me and you know me. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!" (Psalm 139:1, 13-17)
This amazing prayer follows the worth of a person all the way back to conception..when God "knit us together" and "created our inmost being." Our value as human beings is innate - built into us from the very second our life began, and no one can take that away..Yet somehow as adults, so few of us see ourselves in that light..strange.
But now as parents and significant influencers, that is a message that we must clearly speak into children's lives..over and over again. We must record it on the life tape of every child.."You are a masterpiece, a creation of God Himself, a one of a kind - handmade original." And let me tell you - that message will hit a huge need within every child..their hearts throb to hear the truth about who they really are..I read a great book this week that described in very practical terms how we as influencers can create a secure self in kids..(Ron Hutchcraft - 5 Needs Your Child Must Have Met at Home).
Hutchcraft says there are 3 clear messages we need to continuously send. and that those we influence must continuously hear..I'll just speak of one here.
1. Make much of your strengths.
You know, as parents and influencers we will often focus on a child's weaknesses before we focus on their strengths..It comes pretty naturally to us to do that..but it's a mistake we can't afford to make. Now, the reason for that is more based on who we are and what our preference is than on who the child is. We think something must have got mixed up when we made our order..You might think - I ordered an athlete and I got a scholar..Or I ordered a scholar and I got an artist..Or how did I get a mechanic? I ordered a musician. And because of that perceived order mix up, we as influencers will often have a hard time seeing the strengths of our scholar or musician or artist or athlete.
Let me be clear today, however. There was no mix up at the order desk. You got the child God has entrusted specifically to you. And now, your job as an influencer is to simply hold up a mirror and let your child see the strengths God has given them..and not worry about the strengths you thought they should have..
As influencers, we also think along the lines of what our kid does well as being their strengths. They play ball well or sing well or skate well.. Or get straight A's all the time or excel at piano. Well, those fall into the category of abilities..and we must encourage kids greatly to enhance and develop in these areas. We must see it as a priority to empower them to grow that God-given ability to the highest level possible.
However, personal abilities - things a child does - activities - are not the only strengths we must cheerlead. Personal qualities are the things that truly make your child unique..and often as parents we miss this list of strengths to cheerlead.
You may have a child who's a good listener..everyone wants to talk to them, and they have some really close friends. Let me ask you - who has made a greater impact on your own life - some super athlete or super scholar? Or that person who really listened to you..If you have influence over a child with the strength for listening - affirm this quality within them.
Maybe your child has a great sense of humor or is really generous or reads people well or is able to be empathetic to those who are hurting..
There's a long list here to encourage..persistence, industriousness, organized, helpful. Influencers, we must make much of these God-given qualities in our kids. But they are somewhat hidden - a little less obvious perhaps than a musical or athletic gift. However, as influencers, our job is to uncover those strengths and ensure our kids see these great characteristics as the mirror image of who God made them to be.
Can you imagine if we spent as much time helping our kids develop their qualities of generosity or listening or empathy as much as we did their ability to skate or play ball? Amazing would be the results and at the same time a much more solid foundation would be built for your child's self-worth. A self-worth foundation built only on speed or talent or grades is pretty shaky when the wind blows.. As influencers, Hutchcraft says this.."Our list of strengths must begin with the good they are before the good they do."
A couple practical suggestions to hone these strengths in your kids is this..and it's simple:
i) Be a cheerleader - A cheerleader is really a big encourager... and cheerleaders say what everyone else is thinking. So influencers, record these messages into your child's psyche..and say them over and over and over. "I love this about you Billy." "This is something very special in you Susie.." "Make the most of your strengths." Especially cheer for those strengths your child may minimize or miss.
ii) Invest in their abilities - Pour time and energy and money to grow the strengths your child has been given. If you've got an artist, invest in paint and brushes. If you've got a musician, invest in lessons. If you've got an athlete, invest in equipment. Do whatever it takes - because your investment will pay off in significant ways as that child grows into a secure, confident, healthy adult with a true self worth.
When I worked with high school students, one of the key roles I felt I had was that of influencer..And so I poured my life into cheerleading high school student's strengths..especially focusing on qualities, not just abilities. For years God gave me opportunities to grow incredible relationships and have amazing opportunities to influence..For many kids at different points, I was the only cheerleader in their lives..and this drawer from my desk represents some of the feelings those kids expressed later on about that cheerleading (cards, etc.). "You believed in me more than I believed in myself." "You helped me see myself in a different way." "I know you loved me just for who I was, no matter what." "You helped me see myself like God sees me."
Folks, every time you have an opportunity to record a cheerleading message into a kid's life tape, do it - because every time you do, it helps them to remember who created them and that they were created with worth and value..that God placed every one of those qualities and abilities within them specifically. It helps them realize that they are masterpieces - one of a kind originals. That they are fearfully and wonderfully made.. Influencers, give your kids the gift of a secure self.
The second thing your kids would tell you if they had a chance..is about their critical need for satisfying love.
II. Satisfying Love
As parents and influencers, the key question here is not "Do you love your child?" - that's foolish. Of course I do..we would be insulted to even have the question asked. The key question is this..does your child feel loved by you?
The more I talk with kids and adults who used to be kids, the more I realize this one thing..Many kids are loved by their parents, but they don't feel loved by them. And folks, herein lies the problem..
"Love doesn't meet your heart's need unless you can feel it."
1. Love that's there
Every parent or significant influencer of a child should read this book - "The 5 Love Languages of Children." In it, the author identifies 5 different avenues or languages that kids can hear and feel love the best..
And then he gives practical suggestions of how, as influencers, we can properly invest our lives to clearly speak the language our kids will best understand love in..
Let me give an overarching principle here from my childhood that I think speaks to this. See, my folks didn't have a whole bunch of parenting books to read, and certainly hadn't heard of the 5 love languages. And they weren't perfect by any means in communication or family organization.. but they had one thing that I think a lot of us in 2003 struggle to provide. They had time - and they were there. No matter where I went or what game I played or event I was involved with, my folks were there - cheering, driving, leading, sacrificing, organizing..really, whatever they needed to do, they did. But it's not the things they did that I remember or how well they did them. It was the simple fact that they were there that made the difference.
When I learned to ride a horse my dad was there. When I learned how to drive my dad was there. When I learned to hunt and trap and fish and everything that goes with that stuff, my dad was there. When I learned to cook and clean and dust and vacuum my mom was there. When I learned to play piano and plant a garden or milk a cow my folks were there. Hockey, football, piano and baseball - mom and dad were there..
Wrecked trucks and teenage frustrations and first, second, and third loves..mom and dad were there. And something was created inside of me and my brothers as we grew up over the years - something that felt like confidence but was way more complex than that word..It was a very clear sense of feeling loved. There was no separation between what I knew to be true and what I felt in my life. I knew my parents loved me and somehow because they were there, over time, I felt that love nearly every day.
Parents, you get the message? Yes, read every book you can on parenting, but beyond all that, just be there every day - show up with your eyes open..looking for opportunities to love and cheerlead and speak and act. And as you do that over time, the most incredible thing will happen. God will multiply your love over and over and over in your child's life.
2. Love that's unconditional
Let me read you a story that Jesus told..it says pretty much everything I need to say on this..Luke 15..Jesus told about a young man who couldn't wait for the will, so he asked his father for his share of the estate now. And he used it to finance the ultimate party - he went to another country and blew it all on wine, women, and wild living. Then hard times hit the country he was living in..and the party boy became broke - homeless and jobless - very quickly. The only job he could find was feeding pigs for a local farm. Jesus went on to describe that the young man was so hungry that even the pig slop started looking good to him. This kid was a disaster - a washout - a loser. And that's when he came to his senses..
"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you." (Luke 15:17-18)
Now, the son wasn't expecting anything from his father - not in this condition. There wasn't one good reason left for the father to love the son. He was dressed in rags, smelling like a pig and with zero to offer..The best the boy hoped for was a menial job on his dad's farm..(now watch)
"So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.' The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate." (Luke 15:20-24)
You know folks, when a father sits at a window looking for the son who has broken his heart, that's unconditional love. When a mom and dad run to a child who has run away from them, that's unconditional love. That kind of love can't always prevent a child's wandering, but it will almost always bring that child home.
Parents, influencers, continue to love your child no matter what. Work through the issues. Don't get walked on too much..but more than anything, be ready at the drop of a hat to forgive and hug and love lavishly - every prodigal son or daughter you've got..because as you do that you are imitating God. See, if you read that story to the end, Jesus clearly says the father in the story actually represents who God is. Always looking, always searching for His lost children - (you and I). And when we come wandering back to Him, there are no bounds to His love. He rushes out to meet us and hugs us and forgives us no matter what we have done. And He calls all of heaven together to throw a party for that one child who was lost spiritually, but now is found. And that, folks, is the truth about God. And somehow we must pass that love through to our kids. Amazing responsibility - incredible challenge. But awesome results - awesome payback to a life investment.
Here's the third need your child must have met:
III. Spiritual Reality
How do you describe the feeling of becoming parents? It's almost indefinable. Each of the 3 days before we had our 3 kids was an incredible day..a day of anticipation and waiting - a day of pacing and time. Everything slowed down on those days. A day of ice cream - or whatever Pam wanted to eat, actually. A day of anxiety and pain - the pain for Pam was obvious. Mine came in the form of being put in a headlock and having my hair pulled when I was only supposed to be helping her breathe. More than all the others though, those 3 days were filled with emotion. And as the nurse placed each amazing miracle into my arms, I cried and cried and cried. Why? Because I had a sense of the incredible responsibility and great opportunity of each of those 3 moments. See, ultimately it wasn't the nurse or doctor who placed those 3 lives in my hands; it was God. I realized in each of those moments that Pam and I would have about 20 years to train this child and mark them..for better or for worse. When God gave us those children He said, "Here is my creation, entrusted to you for a season. Train - mark - develop this child well."
Unfortunately, it's easy to forget our mission - to train up a child to not only be successful in life but to follow God wholeheartedly as well. That's the mission.
Influencers, I want you to hear again the clear plan of God for passing down spiritual values to our kids..
"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." (Deut. 6:6-9)
Here's the overarching principle. We are to teach our kids about the spiritual life in this way. "A natural communication of a personal reality." The things of God are to be caught by our kids, not necessarily taught. Caught as they watch us walk through the good and the bad and the ugly of life. Caught as we win and lose or interact and work through the issues of life, and how our spiritual life intersects with all those things. It is the natural communication of a personal reality - that's how our children will learn to develop our souls. Parents, hear this. I need to tell you this: You cannot expect to develop your kids spiritually if your relationship with God is not a personal reality. That's not how it works. It's you first, then your kids. And I gotta let you know another part to this..Giving your kids a chance at developing a strong spiritual reality is all about showing them a relationship, not a religion. Here's what I mean..Going to church is great - it's a good thing to do with your family. It makes sense to do that with your kids. But attending a church or being a Free Methodist or a Baptist or a Catholic or a Mennonite as a religion - that in itself will never develop your child's spiritual life to any kind of significant level. What's needed is a mentor.
What's needed is a parent, an influencer, who has a relationship with Jesus impressed on their own heart first - an influencer who has a meaningful, passionate, growing, and very real relationship with Jesus Christ living out that relationship every day in front of your kids. That's how it works.. The church is great - Power Hour is great - but it is only here to enhance what is already being lived out in a natural everyday way at home.
So parents, I will call you again today to make sure you have personally clarified your relationship with Jesus Christ. Is following Him becoming a reality each and every day? |
