Think back with me to when you were a child. How did you feel love? What was the action that made you feel loved - whether it was by a parent or aunt or uncle or a teacher or friend. Was it the words - I love you - spoken.or the way love was shown - hugs. Or through gifts - like getting your favorite cookies made on your birthday. Or maybe kind acts.like surprise trips to the ice cream parlour..Which way spoke love best into your life when you were a kid (think about that).
For me and my mom an dad, it was time. I knew my parents loved me because they just spent time with me - and all of us boys. Playing games or them watching us play games, listening to us talk about the mundane events of the day, going hunting with dad, going to town with mom, just riding along with dad in the grain truck or just walking to the barn with him to do chores..sports games and practices and tournaments and recitals and concerts and you name it - they attended it. I knew (along with my brothers) that my parents loved me..Why? Because they spent time with me..That was the way I heard them say it...through time.
In the Bible it says this..God is love..that's the definition of God..and that got me thinking this week about how I view parenting..See..more than anything in life I want my kids to see and understand God clearly..that's my #1 goal as a parent - not that they get an education or a great career - those aren't #1. But that they would know God and follow Him with their life..Well, if God is love..one of the best ways I can help my kids see God better is to simply love them..and when they can tangibly and practically feel and know our love as parents..then knowing God's love should follow closely behind..I also believe this - that when raising children everything depends on the love relationship between parent and child..
Nothing works well if a child's love needs are not met..[Only a child who feels genuinely loved and cared for can do her best.]
Love is the foundation for a successful parenting relationship..I think we'd all agree..that when a child feels loved - they are much easier to discipline and train and direct than when they are empty emotionally..
In their book "The Five Love Languages of Children"..Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell have this premise..that our children hear and feel love in different ways..and the key word there is that they feel it in different ways..Chapman & Campbell also say that as parents we may think we are showing love to our kids effectively, but if they are not genuinely feeling it - and sensing it themselves..we're not being very effective. In other words - if we don't speak the love language that best communicates to them our love - they will not feel loved..And again, when a child feels loved..they are much easier to train and discipline and direct.
In essence - every child has a special way of perceiving love best - and there are 5 ways children speak and feel and understand emotional love..
These 5 ways are:
- Physical Touch
- Word of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
And if you have several children in your family, chances are - each one will hear love in different languages..and therefore need to be loved in different ways..
(Now these 5 transfer over to adulthood as well..and if you're sitting here today thinking...my kids are grown up..or I don't have any kids..this is not a message for me..That's not true. But it will take a little more work to transfer these love languages into your adult relationships whether it's friends or family or spouses..But hear this - your relationships will grow deeper as you learn to love in the language people near you are hearing.) The bottom line is that these 5 love languages need to be understood in your friend's/spouse's lives as well.
Today I want to take the first 2 languages - physical touch and words of affirmation. Then next week, we'll learn about the other 3. Let me start with words of affirmation.
I. Words of Affirmation
So I'm 17 years old and, I think, floundering a bit in confidence..and I'm sitting one day with mom and dad talking about the future - about what I might do after high school..and my dad looks over at me and almost in passing says this great line - "You know Dean - you can do whatever you want to do. You can be whatever you want to be..It's your choice...but we believe in you." And then he said something like pass the marmalade (my dad loves carrot marmalade).
Well I'm not sure if he even knew the significance of what he said or was being intentional about it or not..and to be honest I don't care..because what it did for me was it gave me the confidence I needed for years to come..
I have this line written on my desk from a movie with Anthony Hopkins that says this.."What one man can do..another can do.." and it's something I believe and live by..and it stems from the confidence my parents gave me..
Now some 17 years later I still hear those words ringing in my ears.when I'm feeling overwhelmed or a little gun shy.God has used those words so regularly to speak boldness and confidence and clarity in my life.
Here's what God's word says from the Book of Proverbs.."The tongue has the power to nourish life or kill it.." - Prov. 18:21. And "A gentle answer turns away wrath..but harsh words stir up anger.." - Prov. 15:1. (Clip from Parenthood)
As parents - how we use our words profoundly affects how our kids view themselves - how they view their worlds and their faith..and how they view your love..Some words spoken to your kids like I love you and I care about you - feel like warm rain falling on the soul..they nurture a child's inner sense of worth and security..(sometimes for years to come)..Conversely, cutting words can hurt a child's self-esteem and cast doubts about their abilities. Parents - our children believe what we say. There is great power in the spoken word..Especially to those children who feel their greatest sense of love in expressions or words that affirm them.
Studies have proven that long before they can even understand words, children receive emotional messages..The tone of voice - or the gentleness of mood - communicate emotional warmth and love..even to the smallest of infants..
The words I love you to a 3 year old sitting on your knee while you read to them..is a great teaching tool. Even though that 3 year old cannot fully grasp the abstract meaning of love, he can feel your closeness and learn to associate what love is all about..
Older children I think best respond to a constant verbal reminder of your love for them - but also in other ways as well..Simply combining praise and affection through our words as parents is vital. Chapman says this - "Affection and love is all about expressing appreciation for the very being of a child..For the abilities and characteristics that are part of the total package of the person."
See, when we intentionally praise our kids for achievements or behavior..especially when that behavior is largely in their control..There is great emotional impact made - for that child..
Great game today - you skated so well.
Look at that test score - you must have studied a lot.
You've practiced that song a lot - and it shows.
Those words both affirm and build..and are growers of a child's self-esteem..
Along the same lines are words of encouragement - which can literally change the life of a child. The word encourage literally means to pour courage into someone else..Well often our words speak as loud as our actions..When Sharaya was learning to ride a two wheeler, I think it was words.."You're doing great"..."You're getting it".."You'll soon be there.." that got her there just as much as her uncle and myself running along beside her holding the bike..Words create courage in a kid's life. Listen to this ..
"A few years ago Reader's Digest printed the story of a remarkable junior high math teacher. One Friday afternoon she asked her students at St. Mary's School in Morris, Minnesota, to list the names of all the other students in the class, leaving a space between names. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. At the end of the period she collected these sheets and over the weekend, she wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet and listed what everyone had said about that person. On Monday, she gave each student his or her list.
"As they began reading, they started whispering to each other, 'I never knew that meant anything to anyone.' Or they'd say, 'I didn't know others liked me so much.' The papers were never discussed in class, but the teacher knew the exercise was a success because it gave her students such a positive feeling about themselves.
"Several years later, one of those students, Mark Eklund, was killed in Vietnam. After his body was returned to Minnesota, most of his classmates, along with the math teacher, attended the funeral. At the luncheon after the service, the father of the young man said to the teacher, 'I want to show you something,' and took a wallet out of his pocket. 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.' Opening the billfold, he removed two worn sheets of notebook paper which had been taped, folded, and refolded many times. It was the list of good things Mark's classmates had written about him.
"'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother told the teacher. 'As you can see, our son treasured it.' One by one, Mark's classmates began to reveal that each of them still had their sheet and that they read it often. Some carried it in a billfold; one had even put it in his wedding album. One man said, 'I think we all saved our list.'"
Parents - I spent 7 of the greatest years of my life working with high school kids at this church. (Some of your kids were there with me...and some of you were kids then..) Nearly every year I would do a lesson or two on family relationships..and often I'd get them to write stuff down for me..Like what's one thing they wanted from their parents. I was always amazed at the response..Well over 50% of those kids every year said this - "I wish my mom and dad would tell me they love me more.." or "I wish my mom and dad would tell me they love me no matter what.." Parents, hear this..your kids are crying out for you to show your love to them in ways they can hear it best..
And some of them hear it best simply in words - affirm them; encourage them; bless them. Speak love and courage and confidence into their lives..and then watch what power those words have as they propel your kids into a confident future.
II. Physical Touch
Here's the second language that your kids love in..physical touch.
The other night we were putting the kids to bed and were doing our regular routine of getting the zoo ready for night by washing faces and brushing teeth and reading stories and praying together..And then I went to do what I almost always do - I hug each kid and whisper to them that I love them. Well..I gave Sharaya a big hug and told her I loved her and how special she was to me..said good night and started for the door..
But she sat up and stopped me and asked me to come back..Then she said - let me show you how much I love you..and she wrapped her arms around my neck - gave me a huge toothless kiss and a massive bear hug. And then as soon as it had happened it was over - she rolled over and I was free to go - No words - no other actions..but let me tell you..in that 15 seconds she gave lots of love in the language she understands best..and I had one of those rare and wonderful moments as a parent when you know you're making a difference in your kid's life. But the fulfillment of that is impacting you in just as large a way. (Clip - Parenthood)
Listen to this story about Jesus in Mark 10:13-16: "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."
It's interesting that when you read the surrounding verses in the book of Mark..that the parents brought their children to have Jesus touch them..and bless them..but Jesus' disciples - His closest followers - rebuked the parents, thinking their teacher was too busy with "important" matters to spend time on children..but Jesus' response was a lesson for His disciples and a green light for the kids..Can't you just picture Jesus laughing and holding kids on His knees and hugging them and touching their heads and blessing them..You know - sometimes as adults we need to be reminded of that picture of Jesus..and maybe in our hearts we need to see Him as one who we can climb up on His knee and hear His laughter and feel His arms of love again..I think our view of life and faith would change dramatically if we saw Jesus as one who gently laughs with us and who hugs us when we need a hug..Just a thought..
Now, when our kids are babies we hold them - hug them - kiss them - and there's lots of touch..and you've all heard the research studies and their outcome that babies who are held and touched develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact..it's a life-giving thing to hug your child..All children need physical touch - whether it's the way they specifically feel love best or not..
I think one of the saddest things in our culture is how many parents have drawn back from giving healthy forms of touch to their children, mostly because of fears about sexual abuse. (And that happens more than you might realize.) It's just saddening when evil and fear keeps people back from using one of love's most natural expressions. Yes, we know some adults have distorted this - and they should be severely punished - but no one who hugs a child should be suspected of inappropriate behavior..We must not allow fear to keep us from appropriate acts of affection. You should feel free to hug and kiss your children, and young relatives and children who are in your sphere of influence..
Our kids need plenty of touches as they grow older as well..Like we already pointed out - as babies we cuddle and hold and hug and kiss them a lot..But we often don't continue that into the toddler and older years..
We're busy in this culture - many times if there are 2 parents in a family, they both work.and families are separated for long periods of time each day..And then everyone comes home tired and the last thing any adult wants to do is wrestle on the floor with a 5 year old or piggy back your 3 year old around the house..But these playful physical contacts are absolutely vital to your kid's emotional development..Children of all ages need meaningful touch every day..whether it's hugging or holding a young child or wresting with a 5 year old or more vigorous contact, such as bear hugs or high fives with older kids.
A great way to intentionally build this into your kids' lives will come through playing games..baseball, football, soccer..are all contact sports. When you play these in the back yard - you are combining both time and touch. There's a thousand different ways to incorporate this into your parenting..A simple pat on the back or ruffling someone's hair or holding a smaller child on your knee while you read to them..or a hug along with some encouraging words are all meaningful expressions of love to a growing child..
Here's another thought..Boys and girls alike need physical affection - yet in our culture boys often receive less than young girls..Why? There's lots of reasons..but the most common is that parents feel (whether it's actually thought through or more subconscious) - but many parents feel that physical affection might feminize a boy - and that's just not true..The facts are that the more we parents keep our kids' emotional tanks full - the healthier the child's self-esteem and sexual identity will be when they're older.
Now all kids need touch..there's no question about that - it's just part of healthy development..but for some kids, physical touch is also their primary love language. For them, touch is what says love in the clearest and loudest voice..A tender hug might communicate love to any child - but it shouts love to these children..
We must also be aware that the opposite is also true..To a child whose primary love language is touch, if we as parents use touch as an expression of anger and hostility - you will hurt and damage these children deeply..Touch with anger can be devastating for these kids..because they sense love or a lack of it so deeply through touch..
Parents - touching your kids may not come naturally to you..or you may realize today you haven't been taking the time or giving the energy you need to..to make this real in your kid's life. Well, here's the good news..it can start today..it's never too late to show your love to your kids. If it doesn't come naturally..and it may not - some of you may not have been hugged or told you were loved by your parents and you're feeling a little uncertain of how to go about these things..get educated. Read this book and others like it.
But the best way is to simply do it and be intentional with it..Try it today - whether it's a wrestle or a soccer game or a 2 minute hug..Go home today and bless your kids with touch. Fill up their emotional tanks with love spoken in the language they can clearly understand..You'll be surprised at the payback..and you'll be fulfilled by the experiences. It's one of those great paradoxes in the life of a parent..That the more you give, the more you receive..
I've talked about this once before..But my daughter Sharaya and I have a routing we go through every time I take her to school in the morning..It started in kindergarten..As we're walking up to the school doors, I stop and make her look me in the eyes. And then I tell her that she'' the prettiest girl in the whole world..I say "You're the smartest little girl I've ever seen." And then I say "You know how much I love you right? I think you can do ." and then she finishes the line."Anything." And then every time I lift her into my arms and give her a huge hug and kiss and tell her I love her..and then she skips off to school.
Folks, we as parents have got to do whatever it takes to speak love in the language our kids will hear the clearest - whether it's words or hugs. Either way, it's our responsibility. So tell them - say the words. Look into their eyes and say the words..I Love You - today. And then show them. If it's been a while since you've hugged your kids, take some time to do that. And better yet, tell them and show them at the same time. Don't let another day go by without speaking love in the specific language your kids will understand. And then watch what happens. Your child will be transformed by the power of love. The payback will be more than you can imagine.
There is no question parents, that this job for us is massive..what a huge responsibility..Well, as you shoulder that responsibility, would you realize one thing..You are not alone. Here's 2 thoughts on this..
1. Community
One of the greatest aspects of being part of this church is that there are another 500 parents here as well - all struggling with or celebrating the same things as you are with your kids.
Small groups - learn from one another.
Meeting people here - sharpen one another.
Mentors - find someone older who has done a good job of parenting, then talk with them..
2. Faith
Parents hear this..your kid's faith walk will largely be determined from a picture of yours..So make sure you are covering yourself and your parenting in faith - in a deep and meaningful walk with Jesus Christ. Model a faith life that is a daily loving relationship with Jesus Christ..Much more is caught than is taught when it comes to spiritual things. Also remember - when you're up against it parenting - you are never alone..Jesus will guide you - He is with you. And He loves you and your family much more than we can ever imagine..
In fact, He calls us - His children...so let's act like it once in a while..This week make sure you climb up on His knee and feel His love, so we can pass that great love and grace and encouragement on to our kids.
You know, I wanted us to kinda get in the kid's faith mode tonight as well, so the worship team is gonna lead us in a kid's worship song called "Jesus Loves Me". Sometimes we just need to hear the simple truth of God's love as much as our kids.
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